I find that following Jesus is more of an art than a science. Even with the best process, it’s still hard. I spend time in silent prayer, read Scripture, meditate, and do everything that I can think of to be open and receptive to God. Then nothing. I’m stuck. I don’t know where to turn or what God wants me to do.

I believe that I do want to do what God wants me to do. I believe that when I am faithful to him, I will find fulfillment. I also believe that I am the one who gets in my own way. I sabotage my joy. I do things that I later regret and things I don’t even want to do. I cry out with the Apostle Paul in Romans 7, “Who will save me from this body of death?”

Like Paul, I already know who. Jesus. He has died for me and offers me peace, joy, and fulfillment. Yet, I continue to get in my own way.

Then there are other times. The times after spending time with Jesus in awe-filled attention I get a sense of what God is calling me to do and, more importantly, to be. This doesn’t come all at once. Sometimes it is an “unfolding” that happens over weeks, months, years, and even a lifetime. That’s why this appraisal process is more of a disposition or practice than a process. It’s something we have to cultivate in our lives. I believe daily practices are best because they help us, over time, become open and receptive to God.

At that point, I may begin to sense God’s directives.

In my last post, I introduced the Van Kaamian Appraisal process, which helps us discern what God is directing us to do. God loves us, has our best interests at heart, and desires to guide us through life’s ups and downs. However, in order to do so, we must both discover God’s direction and follow it.

If you remember, the seven movements or steps of the process are:

1. Abiding in Awe-Filled Attention
2. Apprehension
3. Acknowledging the Dissonance
4. Argumentation and Assessment
5. Appreciative Abandonment
6. Affirmation of Formative Option
7. Application of our Yes

The first step was to abide in awe-filled attention, which is the foundation of the entire process. The post is here.

In this post, I will look at the next two steps: apprehension and acknowledging the dissonance.

Apprehension

Once our attention is in the right place, we can seek God’s directives. Apprehension is coming to an understanding of God’s directive. We’ve spent time with God and through prayer, meditation, or spiritual reading, we hear that quiet voice within calling us.

With understanding may come concern. Perhaps God’s call is outside of our comfort zone. Remember Abram? I assume he was pretty comfortable where he was, living the life he was used to. Then God called him (Genesis 12) to leave what he knew to go to a place that God would show him!

Did you catch that? God basically said, “Abram, leave this place, and I’ll let you know when you’ve arrived.” I don’t know about you, but I usually like to know the destination. That way I can ask, “Are we there yet?” Actually, I can still ask that question.

That’s my wobble. What if I don’t want to leave my comfort zone? What if I’m okay where I am and God asks me to leave? Depending on what we understand or apprehend, life can start to get wobbly. Apprehension goes both ways. While it can be a bit fearful, we may be able to see opportunity and imagine what it would be like to be faithful to God’s directives.

We have a great example of someone following God’s directives in Jesus. His life was about following God’s will, even when it meant the cross. Yet, through the cross came resurrection. Jesus has called us to take up our cross and follow. When we do, as Jesus did, we will find joy.

Acknowledging the Dissonance

Once we apprehend God’s directives, there may be wobbliness or dissonance. Dissonance is that sense that something is off, so to speak. We want to be faithful to God, yet we aren’t so sure about following. There’s an old rock ballad about a man who swears he would do anything for love. Anything, that is, except that one thing he never quite names. Even when we are willing to do anything, we may put restrictions on “anything.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Lord, but I won’t do that,” we think. Maybe we believe we are inadequate. “Lord, call someone else,” we pray. Which, by the way, is what Moses said when God called him! After he gave God all the reasons why God should look elsewhere, he finally simply said, “Please, send someone else (Exodus 4:13).”

Contrast Moses’ posture with Isaiah’s in Chapter 6, where he says, “Here I am, send me.” The difference? Isaiah says he saw the Lord high and lifted up. That sounds like abiding in awe-filled attention to me. Isaiah had a great vision of God, which made him ready to say “yes.”

However, like Moses (and, I hate to admit, myself) we may respond with, “Hey God, you might want to rethink what you are directing me to do. I can’t do that” or perhaps, “I don’t want to do that because” (you can fill in the blank here: I don’t have time, or energy, or I’m too old, or I’m too young, or that’s too much above me or that’s too far beneath me.) You see, there are many reasons to say no to God, but all those reasons come from our pride form, as van Kaam calls it. Others have called it our false self, or perhaps a sense of selfishness. Instead of looking toward God, we are looking toward ourselves.

How do we navigate all of this? Through honesty. Acknowledging the dissonance requires honesty with ourselves. We recognize that God’s directives may mean changes that we are not ready or willing to make. We acknowledge this dissonance. We may even find that one part of us wants to charge ahead, while another wants to stay put.

Don’t worry. God can take it. As you abide in awe-filled attention, you can also be honest with God. You may not want to fully follow God’s directives, but do you want to want to follow them? Do you have the desire to desire God’s will? If not, it can be an honest topic to bring to God in prayer as you spend time with God.

That’s enough for now. One of the most important things we can do is be honest with God and honest with ourselves. Doing so opens up new avenues for God’s grace to flow into our lives.

Please remember that God loves you and knows you better than you know yourself. He knows all your resistances and hesitations. Yet, when we can lay those aside or die, we may find that what God calls us to is the one thing that fills our soul with joy.

May you find the joy of living faithfully before God!

Peace,

David.