I’ve been retired for a couple of months now, and the question I keep returning to is, “What now?” I wonder: am I asking myself, or am I asking God? I’m not sure, but the reality is that I’m probably asking both.

I’ve already established that I don’t really know what I want even though I believe that I do. If I truly knew what I wanted, once I got it I would finally be content. My wants and desires would shut up, and I could find a posture of peace. That hasn’t been my experience.

Emily Dickinson wrote, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” That’s true. I don’t know why I want certain things. I just want them. They may be good things, or they may be harmful. I’m not always aware of why I want certain things, and I’m not convinced my heart should get what it wants! Sometimes following my heart has been a disaster.

Which reminds me of a song Jerry Van Dyke sang on his brother Dick Van Dyke’s show. He was doing a stand up comedy routine as “Skid Row” and sang:

My heart told me that I should get a wife
My heart said I was in a rut
My heart told me that I should get a wife
I wish my heart would keep its big mouth shut.

Sometimes I wish my heart would keep its big mouth shut. My heart is often filled with chaos and competing desires. It can be all over the place.

Jeremiah reminds us that the heart is deceitful above all things and is beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9), and Jesus even warned us that from the heart comes all sorts of evil (Matthew 15:19), especially if we have not allowed our hearts to be transformed by Jesus. That sounds pretty bleak. Maybe listening to my heart isn’t the best advice. So, where do I turn to answer “What now?” if I can’t fully trust my heart?

God calls my heart to him. He desires to transform my heart in his love, so it becomes a much better guide. Not just for big decisions, but for everyday choices.

Instead of allowing my untransformed heart to call the shots, I can follow the better path of placing my heart in the presence of Jesus so I can listen. What is God’s desire for me? After all, he loves me more than I can even imagine. So I ask God, “What now?” To discover God’s answer, I follow van Kaam’s appraisal process.

If you remember, the seven movements or steps of the process are:

1. Abiding in Awe-Filled Attention
2. Apprehension
3. Acknowledging the Dissonance
4. Argumentation and Assessment
5. Appreciative Abandonment
6. Affirmation of Formative Option
7. Application of our Yes

Whenever I need to figure out what’s next, I begin by spending time abiding in awe-filled attention. In this time with God, when I quiet the demands of my heart, I begin to sense God’s directives (apprehension). Once I have that sense, I acknowledge where I might resist or feel dissonance with what God desires. Perhaps I don’t want to follow. My heart might resist, insisting I don’t know God’s directive when, in reality, it just doesn’t want to follow.

Either way, I acknowledge what is going on within me as I continue to seek God’s will (abiding). It’s at this point, when I have a better sense of God’s directive (apprehension) and my resistance (acknowledgment) that I am ready for the next step; argumentation and assessment.

Argumentation and Assessment

I pull out my sheet of paper and write, “Pro / Con,” at the top. We’ve all been there. Even if we didn’t get a physical piece of paper, we’ve written the list in our mind.

Notice, this is the fourth step. Not the first. The “trusty” pro-con list is usually where we start when making decisions. This step in the appraisal process is like that, but different because we are different.

I could start out cold, but I’m not. I’ve been spending time abiding in awe-filled attention and have gotten a sense of God’s directives. I’ve tried my best to be honest about any dissonance I’m experiencing. At this point, hopefully, my heart is open and receptive to what God wants.

When the pro-con list is the first step, there’s no abiding in awe-filled attention. There’s no trying to understand God’s directives. There’s no acknowledgment of dissonance. Instead, the paper comes out, and it’s right to the list. It’s all me. It’s limited. I leave God out of the decision.

The result of the “right to the pro-con list” approach is that I don’t even really know what the ‘right’ thing to do is. So, when people around me tell me I should get off the donkey, get on the donkey, or I shouldn’t even have the donkey, I am swayed. Not by God, but by opinions swirling around me.

Sometimes I listen to the loudest voice. You know, the squeaky wheel. “Maybe they are right,” I think. Then again, maybe they are wrong. I have no idea. I feel like I’m walking in the dark. I am not confident, but at least I think I have someone to blame if things go wrong (It feels good to have someone to blame even though I am responsible for my decisions). The whole time I wonder, “Am I doing the right thing here?” In all of this, I don’t have any idea of God’s directives.

That’s why the appraisal process doesn’t start with the pro-con list. It begins with spending time abiding. Now I have a better sense of God’s directives. I can begin “arguing and assessing” what it means to follow and what it means not to. While my heart still may want what it wants, I place myself open and receptive before God. God may direct me to something I want, or something I don’t. My heart is in the process of being transformed.

I begin arguing each point: Do I follow or not? I assess both options in light of my life in all of its capacities. What will this mean for my family? What does it mean for my work? Will I have to move? Is it local? Does this feel like it matches my temperament?

What does saying yes mean?
What must I say no to in order to say yes?
What does a yes or no mean to my family, career, the world, or my health? I seek to assess each dimension of what van Kaam called the formation field.

This is the pro-con list of the appraisal process. If I say yes, what are the pros? What are the cons? If I say no? Same thing, but very different.

I hope that Scripture is always my guide and Jesus my example. Even people in my community of faith can help in this process. God has placed faithful people in our lives to support us and help us to see blind spots of where our ego, rather than God, may be leading us. I want to lean upon them, especially if I am discerning a life-altering decision.

I read about the fruit of the Spirit and the rules for the new life in Paul’s letters. I see examples of how to live all through the Bible. Yet the Bible doesn’t cover so much of modern life: cell phones, driving, PTA meetings. I try to apply Scripture the best I can, but am left wondering, “Am I truly living a spiritual life?”

This appraisal process cultivates a spiritual life of openness and receptivity to God’s guidance and directives. Instead of simply giving in to what my heart demands or assimilating the voices of my culture or family, I place my heart in God’s presence and listen to what arises within.

Of course, there are other ways of appraisal. Maybe you’ve tried them all: the coin flip, the pro-con list, asking people on Reddit, Facebook, or other social media platforms. The question boils down to: who are we listening to?

I’m convinced that God loves us and leads us to life, true life, abundant life (John 10:10). Other voices have their own motivations and agendas. God’s motivation is love. If we are not spending time with God in Awe-filled attention, seeking and appraising God’s directives, and following God’s will, what voices are we listening to? Where might they be leading us? Can they really lead us to abundant life?