What’s it like to be retired for a month? I can’t answer for others, but here’s where retirement is sitting with me.

I can now spend time watching two squirrels chasing each other, listening to the various birds, and sitting pondering whatever pops into my head without worrying that something isn’t getting done. As a wise man told me, “In retirement, there’s always tomorrow.”

I’ve never viewed this time as a full “real” retirement. I’m still working, but on a different schedule. I feel like I have more freedom and control with my time.

Even with a slower schedule, I can’t seem to get out of “project” mode. One of my main projects is trying to figure out which projects deserve time and which ones I should not even start, or “let go.” How should I choose?

That question runs through our lives, retired or not. We live in a time and culture that provides more than enough opportunities. There’s only so much time and too many things to do. We can read a book, or binge Netflix. We can volunteer, or entertain ourselves.

I could spend my time in the park on a bench, feeding the pigeons, take up bingo, or sit on my porch telling kids to get off my lawn. I don’t believe I’m ready for any of those activities. But you might want to check back with me in a few months.

How does one choose between so many things? How can we know we are fulfilling our purpose?

Adrian van Kaam has been very helpful in discerning and answering such questions. I learned of Dr. van Kaam during my doctoral studies in spiritual formation. He was a Catholic priest with a Ph.D. in psychology, but he was first a theologian. He was also a professor at Duquesne University, and he originated Formation Anthropology, Science, and Theology. Later, he founded the Epiphany Association to continue his work on Formation Science and Formative Spirituality.

After I obtained my degree, I went through the Epiphany Certification Program to learn more about Formative Spirituality, which helps answer questions about our purpose, call, and how we find peace, joy, and love.

What I didn’t realize when I started this season was that now, figuring out what to focus on is more difficult. As a pastor, I had expectations and responsibilities. I had to pay attention to my schedule, appointments, and tasks. But now, I have space and freedom.

Dr. van Kaam believed that God forms us, all of us, with talents, temperaments, and abilities. We are also formed by our families, education, friends, training, and society. We are unique because no one else has been formed exactly as we have been.

God also calls us to fulfill the purpose for which we were created. This includes being part of the community of humanity. We belong, and we have a purpose in this world. Van Kaam refers to this as our unique-communal call.

I don’t have it all figured out, but I believe I’m closer. One of my takeaways from Formative Spirituality is to “abide in awe-filled attention.” That’s the first step, even though our tendency is to start out with a list of pros and cons.

On my best days, I’ve made it a priority to get quiet before God, letting go of all the stuff that occupies my mind so I can listen. What I’m discovering is a desire to help others find love, joy, and peace through the concepts I’ve learned through Formative Spirituality and the Epiphany Association.

This is actually a pretty big project. When we say “yes” to one thing, we need to say “no” to other things. I can’t do everything.

My personal take is to not start things that I believe would be cool or even fun. I’m trying to discern the few things I should be doing right now, and not starting others. I’m pretty sure binging Netflix is out.

The insights I learned through my time at the Epiphany Association have helped me more than I can say. Anyone interested can read Dr. van Kaam’s insights in his 11-volume textbooks, if they like dense academic reading. I assume most people don’t.

I want to make formative spirituality accessible to everyone. That is my project. I will continue to coach and provide spiritual direction, and incorporate Dr. van Kaam’s insights into my practice.

This blog will be a place where I can share more about how we can find consonance (alignment, peace). I will also, from time to time, share my current journey in retirement. I’m sure I will have false starts, changing my mind about what I should focus on as I listen and find more clarity in God’s call.

I invite you to go along with me. Ask questions. Make comments. Let me know what doesn’t make sense. This will help me know what to write and how to write it.